Still not Christmassy

Well, its Christmas Eve.  I am sitting here looking at the presents under our tree and still not feeling like I should.  Tradition says I should be at my Grandpa Leo's house opening gifts and visiting with cousin that i see twice a year and thats about it. HAHA I don't like breaking tradition and that is what is happening.  It makes me mad, sad, depressed.  Hopefully tomorrow, Christmas, will be better.   

Where Are You Christmas?

So, today I was sitting in my room watching the Grand Ole Opry and i realized something, I am not in the Christmas Spirit AT ALL!!!  I don't know what it is.  My friend Josh told me something very interesting. He said that i have made Christmas "a job" and i think he is SPOT ON!  Every year i try and make everyone happy and make it "the most wonderful time of the year" and this year I just DON'T FEEL LIKE TRYING ANYMORE!!!  Is it because of family issues?  Is it school?  Is it friends?  

Family....ugh...i don't even like talking about it. The subject of family recently has just made me realize that my family is just as screwed up as everyone else's, if not worse.   I know i shouldn't say that, but its what i feel....should i feel that way?  Being around them feels like a big joke! Like everyone's emotions are a "mask" they put on for the day just so they can stand being around family.  Ugh........i just don't know........I just really feel not ready for the holidays yet, like it needs to be later.    

Friends....another issue....i love my friends, they are my life support. HAHA Recently I just haven't been able to see any of them, except Jess (LOVE YOU!!!).   I feel like all my friends are too busy to do anything....all of them have jobs, school, boyfriends or girlfriends to hang out with, and i seem to be at the bottom of their list....I know they all care about me, but come on, i have been your friend longer than any of those excuses. 

I need to watch a movie or something so i can just CRY my feeling out....but even as i write i feel as if i can't cry a single tear...i more so could scream and tell my family to get a grip and to some specific people to GET A LIFE....i know, thats mean, but its the truth.  

Advice? Anyone?  HELP!

Somethings coming, something soon...

So, i have neglected my blog for almost the last month. HAHAHA typical me.  I really haven't been up to much, just the same old routine of going to school, coming home, watching TV and occasionally having practice.  The only thing that has changed since last time I wrote was that I have gotten to know my friend Ryan alot better.  We talk all the time. HAHAHA School is going great, I haven't really felt like i have been there, recently at least.   My mind is in other places and thoughts of more important things are my main brain wave i've been riding recently.  I really can't wait for school to be done with, just because there is going to be some major changes with myself I feel.   I am planning on going to Brazil for a month, probably June-July time.  So basically I will (hopefully) finish The Wedding Singer at eastlight theater and then a few days later i would leave, by myself, for Brazil.  Nervous, YES I AM.  Ready to discover who I am, YES I AM!   

Someone has recently caught my eye, its complicated but I think we are going to work everything out just fine! :)  They are perfect for me, so far at least.  Im sure they will show that they care for me more in the future, hence the changing soon....

Im nervous for the future, I know I shouldn't be because HE has my future already planned out, but I am nervous for where it will take me and what I will be doing....

Sooo...

I have been neglecting the blog the past week or so, I know, BAD!  I just haven't been in the mood to write.  SO saturday was the busiest day EVER! I had to take the ACT and I didn't get done with that until 12:30 or whatever. Then i had the halloween party that night! It was fun going in drag. LOL  SO basically its Thursday and tomorrow is Halloween!  I am planning on going to see the movie Changeling with my cousin and her husband.  The movie is rated R and my parents are freaking out, its not like I would go see a movie with a bunch of naked people running around!!!  So i am waiting for the reviews to come out, even though i have my hands on a few of them... 

Well, basically my life is the same old same old and will be until November 20th. HAHA

Memories

So today was one of those days that you will remember forever!  Jess and I had choir and after we always go to lunch and to the mall and waste time before play practice.  Jess was wearing her scarf today and when we got out of the car she started walking and she got it stuck in the door and she basically fell backwards. HAHA  that was only the beginning to our eventful day. LOL  We went to the mall and got Orange Chicken (codeword) and the lady behind the counter was chinese and we couldn't understand her AT ALL so we kept having to say Excuse Me and Pardon. LOL i had to walk away because i almost started to laugh and Jess just gave me a look. LOL  So the rest of the afternoon we shopped and laughed and laughed.  So basically it was a fun day that will go down in history for the both of us. HAHA

Sometimes I Feel My Life Is A TV Show.

So I know I haven't updated for a week but its because I didn't know what to write.  I have things to write about I just don't know if i feel ready for them to be on a screen, open for the world to see, to judge.  Let's go back to last weekend.  This past weekend I went to a church retreat, Listen, and I went into with a close minded attitude and left feeling tired, happy, and not liking a few people.  I came home to some disturbing news from a friend that I'm still processing. Fast forward a couple days and its Tuesday! I go back to school having TONS to talk about and L just had to pass notes to me. HA! L is sooo weird, she thinks that just because I'm hot I will make-out with her, major EW! I would rather go gay then make-out with her!  So last night I went to Mamma Mia! and it was AMAZING! It is totally my favorite musical now.  I can't wait for a theater around here to do it because I will totally audition for it!!!  So now today, Thursday, I have auditions for a solo at choir and I am not ready at all.  I don't really feel like auditioning for getting a solo, it just doesn't seem like a big deal to me like some people think it.  I know this is random but i just need to say it! I feel like I'm hiding so many things for myself and for others that one day its all going to come out and its going to hurt people.  Thankfully I have friends to talk to (J and W).   I guess I will see where the road takes me today....

Why???

The weekend came and went with a blink of an eye!!!  I feel like I got most of my sleep back but not all of it. LOL  Yesterday school went fine and the day just flew by!  I think I was just wanting it to be over. HA  Im getting sick and tired of life, friends, and stupid things that people worry about.   

So, now that its October I usually pull all my books filled with Urban Legends, Witchcraft, and Ghost Stories out and so far I haven't, until last night.   I stayed up til 12:30 reading about the history of Wicca, Satanism, and Witchcraft.  Personally, the occult fascinates me how people can think that Magick works.  Its very interesting and also very dangerous to study into something like Satanism because you are dealing with forces beyond your control!  So i would not advise it to everyone.  I have always found an interest in the paranormal and the occult.  That doesn't mean I am going to become a Satanist or a Wiccan, it just means I knowledge myself about things that are apparent in todays culture and the media.  As a book I am reading says, "The Media Is Run By Witches"  LOL  I love that quote because its true!!! 

Well, now that you know i love weird history of random things I think its time to say good-bye!

Oh, anyone have any good websites for Haunted places in Central Illinois????

Life......

so its finally Friday!!!  THANK GOD!!!!!  This week has probably been the worst week of my life! I have had a ton of homework that has just gave me the biggest headache EVER and its made me very irritable, moody, and sleep deprived.  Food is another issue, i haven't been eating very much lately either, I think my friends are worried about me and the whole food and sleep issue.  (No need to worry guys, im totally fine! If i wasn't you would hear about it.)  

Thursday my best friend in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD and i started to plan graduation!  I never knew how stressful something like that could be, but it is. LOL  So we have started planning where, when, colors, decorations, food, people, speaker, our outfits, and performances.  WOW! THAT'S ALOT! I will keep all of that updated as soon as i have more info. 

Jess, my BFF, and I are going to a Halloween Party this month and we have started getting our costumes together! YAY!  I can't wait because we are going as, well...you will just have to wait and see. HEHE i know, Im mean!!!  

Well, that's all for now.  Now, im off to bed and hopefully gain my week's worth of sleep back!!!

First Post....

So this is my first post, its going to be short but I thought I would explain why I am starting a blog.   

I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feeling out in words and through music, videos, and quotes and a blog would be the perfect place to do that!  So, I am going to keep this updated through my senior year of high school.   YAY!  I can't wait to be out, but dreading it too.